My Best Personal Coach

A concept developed by C.H. Cooley called Looking Glass Self  describes how we come to see ourselves based on others' perceptions of us. http://sociologyindex.com/looking_glass_self.htm

Like many people, I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. My mother was mentally ill and my father was an alcoholic. From the age of about ten until I was at least seventeen, I experienced a number of traumatic events  including some physical abuse and persistent emotional abuse. I was bullied at school - tripped, spit on, and constantly harassed. At fourteen I was beaten and attacked; because of my own family's dysfunction, I ended up in juvenile detention after the attack rather than receiving any help. At fifteen, I became pregnant. At sixteen, I sat alone and signed necessary papers to relinquish my parental rights. I thought I was all alone. Today I know that many, many other people have experienced similar or much worse childhoods.

If our sense of who we are is shaped by how others perceive us and interact with us, then my sense of self was like a mirror that had been dropped on concrete - I could only recognize pieces of myself through the reflection of little shards that remained.

Now I think that it is not so much what we experienced growing up that matters but how we respond to those experiences. We still have choices and can move forward if we are willing to work at it.

Early in adulthood, I started learning how to put the pieces of my life back together. I learned these strategies through reading, talking to people, seeking out help where appropriate, and becoming a lifelong student of a field that has given me some powerful tools to rebuild my life and to live my life in a purposeful way.

I have become my own best personal coach. I know who I am and who I am becoming. Thanks to a personal mission statement I've developed, I've been able to stay focused on a purpose that is important to me. I have the tools I need to challenge thinking that I need to change. For example, I have learned about a mental trap called "either / or" thinking. The trap sounds like this: "Either you are good or you are bad. Either you are successful or you are a failure, etc." 

Growing up, I believed that I must be bad because I wasn't told I was good. I must have been a failure because I didn't hear that I was a success. Yet that is not true. I may do things that I regret at times, but that doesn't make me bad. I might not reach all the goals I set for myself, but that doesn't make me a failure.

This summer I had all kinds of plans to accomplish different goals. I started a lot of projects, but bounced from one project to the next. Though I finished a few things I started, I didn't finish others. I could beat myself up and tell myself I wasted time and failed to use my time as intended. Or I could reframe my experience and recognize that I accomplished what I really wanted to do and learned a lot about myself in the process. I now see my life through the lens of a lifelong learner. It is all a journey - one that I am enjoying.

L-tyrosine: Common Sense Caution

Some of the articles and books I have read about improving mental focus have mentioned the use of supplements. One supplement that I read about is L-tyrosine. L-tyrosine allegedly has helped some people improve their ability to stay focused and feel more mentally alert. (One article even claimed this supplement helped slow aging.) This supplement is available at many health food and vitamin stores.

When I did some more reading specifically about this supplement, I found that it should be taken with caution and might cause side effects including nausea, chest pains, weight loss, fatigue, etc.  While I am still planning to try taking moderate dose of 750mg a day for a few weeks, I am also planning to talk with my physician about this supplement - I think that is just common sense.

Sharing an Office, Staying Focused

Though a previous job required me to travel frequently, I often spent at least 20 hours a week back at the office working in a very small space. A few hours a week, I shared this confined space with another person. Our desks faced opposite walls. I could hear every move my office mate made - shuffling papers, striking each key on her computer, talking on the phone, clearing her throat, or visiting with people who walk by our office space. My office mate also asked frequent questions. Each time she rolled her chair over to the side of my desk, my concentration was interrupted. She would wait for me to stop what I was doing so that I could give her my attention. As I tried to finish my train of thought before pausing, Icould feel her breathing and hear her wiggling in her chair within the small area I had carved out as my own.

I understood that we did not have enough office space for all the employees in our company. We were all sharing offices. Further, I understood that distractions were a part of our work environment. I just happened to share my office with someone who needed mentoring; I knew it was important to provide assistance.
I did have some options as to how I dealt with the distractions. I  started wearing headphones with pleasant background music to block out the distractions when I needed to concentrate. Second, I set boundaries as to when I was available to help. When my office mate arrived at her desk, I greeted her and then asked if she had any questions before I got back to my work. I explained to her that I wanted to help, but I needed to keep my mind on my own projects once I started them. This approach worked at the time.

A Prayful Journey

Prayer is an important part of my life. My most heartfelt prayers are often the spontaneous ones. Sometimes I find myself suddenly filled with thanksgiving. For example when I ride my bike out into the country and can smell sweet summer-ripened blackberries, hear dry grass blowing in a field, and feel the afternoon wind at my back - just being in such a  moment  is cause for my spirit to sing.

Other times, I stop short in my tracks and realize I need to pray for guidance such as when I am "in over my head" at work or when I am involved in a project that starts feeling too big or too overwhelming. Once I pray about whatever situation that I am facing, I no longer feel like I must deal with it alone. After prayer, the "monster" I thought I was facing usually turns into nothing more than a fleeting shadow. I am thankful that there is no challenge in life that I have to face completely alone.

The Food Factor

Sometimes my brain feels like a bag of popcorn in the microwave. Ideas will keep popping up in my head until I can no longer focus. Other times, I cannot focus because I have too much on my plate. When I can't focus, I feel stressed. In the past, I have reached for sugar or carbs to soothe the stress I was feeling. Though this quick strategy had provided some immediate relief, it hadn't been a good long-term strategy. The more sugars and carbs I ate, the more I wanted.

This past summer I read a book called Magnificent Mind At Any Age by Dr. Amen.  The book prompted me to think about how my eating habits affected not only my body but my brain. I am now taking supplements. For the past couple of weeks, I have also really limited carbs and sugars. It's funny but since I started eating more lean protein, fruits, veggies and complex carbs,  I quit craving sugars and processed foods. If I continue to make good choices about what I eat, I believe I will be able to stay more focused over time.

Common Themes

I just started reading a new book today titled Cognitive Surplus.  I am also reading four other books right now. I do need to finish at least some of the books I am reading. What I realized today as I started reading this latest find is that three of the five books I have started have at least somewhat related themes. For now, I am going to just focus on the three books that are connected in some manner; I'll shelve the other two books for now.

I had written last week about my personal mission statement and how I want to continue experiencing lifelong learning. By looking for themes or relationships between books, I find myself reflecting more on what I am learning; this helps me feel more mentally focused.

Anyone else find that they keep adding to their reading stack before finishing other books? How do you keep yourself focused?

Clearling the Mental Clutter

I am racing to get some tasks done before a meeting. Just as I think I might complete everything that I need to get done, someone calls on the phone with a problem that I need to address sometime that day. Though I am able to put off acting until I have time later in the afternoon, the problem is now percolating on the back burner of my thoughts. A few minutes later, a colleague drops by and wants to discuss an idea. I listen briefly and then arrange to meet with my co-worker after my meeting. My thoughts are spinning like a slot machine - I can see all the pictures of what I need to do, but nothing is lining up for me. I am starting to feel overwhelmed and can no longer focus on the work that is in front of me; I feel like my brain is starting to freeze up.

Often when I start feeling like chaos is starting to take over, nothing helps me quite as much as a brisk walk or a jog. When I increase my physical activity level and focus on nothing more than my own breathing, all the mental clutter I've accumulated starts clearing away.

When I am not able to physically get up and move about, I like to take just a few minutes to slow down my breathing and to focus only on what I physically can sense. I pay attention to what my body is feeling such as the warmth in the room or the heaviness of my eyelids. I listen to the sounds of a footsteps, a phone ringing in the distance, and popcorn popping in a microwave oven outside my office door. I can smell the fresh popcorn and the old pot of coffee that was brewed earlier in the day. I continue to breathe slowly and deeply. I allow my shoulders and arms to relax. I now feel much more refreshed and can return to the tasks before me.

When you start feeling overwhelmed, how do you clear the mental clutter?

Details are Like Annoying Gnats

I don't like to deal with a lot of details. One of my sisters is reading an award winning book called Ghost Wars. Though the book is very interesting, I can't seem to get through it because of all the mind-numbing details; I want to skip ahead to the facts and find out where the author is going with the book. Yet when I jump ahead, I miss something.

I don't like to read fine print (even though I know it is important at times). I don't like lengthy, detailed instructions either.

When I have to deal with a lot of details (work, home, community responsibilities, etc.), I feel like my thoughts are under siege by swarms of annoying gnats that I just want to swat out of the way.

Sometimes, however, I miss the details all together - I simply don't see things that others are tuned in to see. For instance, I used to be a professional communication assessment researcher for a training and development laboratory in Portland. On one occasion, I was finalizing a report that included several tables of statistics. I thought my report really uncovered some interesting findings and could hardly wait for our program director to see the work I had completed.

When my boss finally came by my office to talk about my work, he started off my telling me how much he appreciated all my work and praised me for some of the insights I had developed. Then he said, "This is a great first draft. I am looking forward to seeing your final work when you fill in these missing columns of data here in the middle of the report."

Even though I had gone over the report more than once and had tried to be very careful, I missed some important details. I have learned since that time that when it is important to pay attention to every bit of information or every detail, I can use a couple of strategies that help me slow down and catch things that I might otherwise miss.

First, if it is written work that I am dealing with, I can read the material out loud. By doing this, I am forced to slow down. I can also ask other people who are particularly good with details to check my written or other work to make sure I didn't miss anything. I am fortunate to have lots of "detail people" in my life.

What kinds of strategies do you find most effective when having to pay attention to all the small stuff?